Are All Adults Potential Predators in Kids’ Eyes?
Have parental warnings made our children too suspicious?
Children should be trained to approach a mother with a stroller if they need help, rather than a man in a trench coat, experts say.
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My husband Rick, who coaches a youth soccer team, was waiting with our 14-year-old son, Danny, for the rest of their team to arrive when they saw a teenage girl kicking a soccer ball. Rick asked the girl if she wanted to practice with his team and she politely declined.
That well-intentioned invitation earned my husband the moniker “creeper” from Danny, as in “Dad, you’re such a creeper.”
Now, my son doesn’t really believe my husband is a stalker or predator but it seems that these days any adult can be dubbed a “creeper” merely for speaking to a child he isn’t coaching, teaching or parenting.
Have we drilled one too many warnings into our kids so that they interpret the smallest act of friendliness on the part of an adult – in broad daylight with other children around – as “creepy?”
When I was growing up, I had adults in my life – parents of friends – who became second parents to me. True, I was closer to the mothers than the fathers, but by the time I was a teenager I felt comfortable talking with the fathers and I certainly didn’t consider them “creepers.”
I asked a couple of parenting experts if kids’ hyper-suspicion of adults is the price we pay for keeping children safe from real predators.
Rochelle Freedman, coordinator of Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House in Bethlehem, wasn’t ready to concede that.
“There’s too much fear and sometimes that takes away from children’s capacity to have relationships with well-meaning adults,” Freedman said.
Bill Vogler, executive director of Family Answers, a nonprofit counseling service based in Allentown, said his children have called him a creeper for the same crime of friendliness of which my husband was accused.
“I tend to be outgoing and gregarious and talk to strangers and they’ve called me the same thing,” he said. “I’ve always felt that teaching kids about ‘stranger danger’ is a two edged sword.”
For example, if a kid is lost at a mall, he needs to be able to go to an adult – but he should be advised to pick a mother with a stroller rather than a man in a trench coat, Vogler said.
Both Vogler and Freedman said parents’ focus on “stranger danger” obscures the fact that the vast majority of cases of sexual abuse of children are perpetrated by a relative or someone very close to the victim.
“When you study predators, they do not randomly choose victims…there’s a period of grooming,” she said. The best way to protect your children is to make sure they feel comfortable telling you anything, that they have peer relationships and aren’t otherwise falling through the cracks.
And they should be allowed to “go with their gut” instinct if someone makes them uncomfortable, Vogler said. “More often than not I think our gut can be right about stuff.”
So what do you think? Have we created a generation of hyper-suspicious young people and is that necessary to keep them safe?
Mary Anne Looby
1:21 pm on Thursday, September 15, 2011
Yes, I believe we have based on my own experiences. I have been in grocery stores or any stores for that matter, spotted a child looking at me so I smile and say hello sweetie. Many children have run to their parent in a panic. Of course you then get the hairy eyeball from the parent. About the only time I don't run into this is when the child is secured in a cart and makes eye contact. I will say hello, or whatever. They usually smile back and we will chatter about their pretty shoes or hair etc. I do this so that children will not be afraid of adults. I believe the reaction of these children is based on age, usually under four, and the parents, preschools etc have not yet put the fear of people in them. It's a fine line. I guess erring on the side of safety is the right way to go about it, but there is a wide space between teaching safety and teaching all out panic. The best way to avoid it is not to let your little ones run loose. I have seen kids in supermarkets with no visible adult. Mom or Dad are usually still in the next aisle shopping. Train your kids to stay with you, better yet, leave them at home. You will shop faster, have less agrvavation and stop making a nightmare of shopping for others.
Brian T Clark
1:41 pm on Thursday, September 15, 2011
For example, if a kid is lost at a mall, he needs to be able to go to an adult – but he should be advised to pick a mother with a stroller rather than a man in a trench coat, Vogler said....
Inadvertantly underscorring the belief that men are indeed creepers.
How about a mother OR FATHER with a stroller.
Margie Peterson
1:47 pm on Thursday, September 15, 2011
Mary Anne, you're right that it's a fine line and it's tough for parents to teach young kids how to distinguish innocent gestures of friendliness from more sinister ones. Brian, you're right about lost children looking for a father with his own children, and I'm sure Bill Vogler would agree.
kathleen
2:54 pm on Thursday, September 15, 2011
Yes! My friends and I discuss this topic often. Remember watching those horrifying safety videos in grade school? While their intentions were good, I recall thinking that I risked abduction simply by walking to the playground by myself. That fear, the doom and gloom media, and peer pressure from other parents have made us a bunch of fraidy cats. We all hear,' the world isn't what it used to be.' a lot but is that really true? I can't believe there really are more evil people out there than when our great grandparents were little. And by perpetuating that belief aren't we just simply chipping away at our own freedoms?
Mary Anne Looby
7:01 pm on Thursday, September 15, 2011
Kathleen, I tend to agree with you. I did not grow up with all the warnings and safety videos etc, and if we take the internet out of the equation, statistics show that most molesters are known to the child, be it a family member or neighbor. I believe this sort of thing happen just as much in the 50's, the difference being, no one spoke of it. There are more evil people out there, but we can thank lack of gun and gang control, plus our almost open door policy to people from other countries. Most of the gangs that I read about these days are Latinos, Asian and Russian. The only "gangs of bad people" I remember hearing about were Hells Angels and back then they pretty much just terrorized with their noisy motorcycles. I don't even know if they still exist!
kevin smith
4:24 pm on Friday, September 16, 2011
No disrespect to the experts you interviewed for your editorial but, I have to take issue with some of the information they cited. Persons who abuse kids fall into two catagories,first is a preferencial abuser (One who "likes" a certain age/sex of child) the other is the situational abuser (One who takes advantage of a child because of they are available) Grooming behavior, while occurring more often in the first type of abuser,is not needed in the second type. As for the "man in the trench coat" statement, in my experience, that description could not be any further from the truth. The fact is that a child sexual abuser can be anyone. From a Newspaper publisher to a Doctor,from an unemployed chef to a school bus driver. There is no way to "tell" if a person(male or female)wants to abuse a child. In my opinion, kids should be advised to seek out a police officer to speak to or store employee who has the ability to contact the police or mall security to report the lost child. Regarding the notion that we are over emphazing the view that all adults are preditors, I like Mr. Vogler, am outgoing and gregarious I talk to kids all the time and have never felt as though I was viewed as a "creeper". Parents need to, and teachers,medical professionals should be able to speak to kids about "good touch, bad touch" and that,while most people they will meet are good people, there are some who are bad and the child must tell if something happens that makes them feel wierd or uncomfortable.
Jonathan Gerard
9:25 pm on Friday, September 16, 2011
WTF? Mr. Smith discounts the experts and writes the longest post in this discussion offering his views based on his experience. (How much experience, exactly, do you have with child molesters, Mr. Smith?) Don't bother going to college. Don't bother reading books. Don't bother with experts who have studied the subject their whole career. Just have your own opinions and post them in bad grammar. And then conclude with this original insight: "...while most people they (children) will meet are good people, there are some who are bad..."
kevin smith
11:44 am on Monday, September 19, 2011
Mr. Gerard,
To answer your question. 25 years of law enforcement experience. From 1998 to the present, I investigate child sexual abuse, child physical abuse and unexplained child fatality cases exclusively. I have investigated, cleared and/or arrested several hundred indivduals (male and female). I have taught investigations at the police academy, as well as in post secondary institutions. I have attended numerous seminars, conferences hosted by the National Center on Missing and Exploited Children in Alexandria, Va. The National Child Advocacy Center in Huntsville, Alabama, The Chadwick Center in San Diego, California The Crimes against Children Conference in Dallas, Tx. Several seminars provided by Fox Valley Technical College (under the auspeces of the U.S. Dept. of Justice) several courses provided by the U.S. Dept. of Justice conducted at Ft. Indiantown Gap. I have done independant research on the rational of preferential offenders. Please excuse any bad grammar, and thank you for adding to the discourse. I for one got a great deal of your post.
Margie Peterson
12:29 pm on Monday, September 19, 2011
Mr. Smith, Based on your experience, wouldn't you say that a mom pushing a stroller with little kids is statistically less likely to be a situational abuser than pretty much any single man, trenchcoat or no? I think Bill Vogler's point was mothers with strollers are much more plentiful at a mall and easier for a lost 6-year-old to find than a police officer.
kevin smith
3:42 pm on Monday, September 19, 2011
Mrs. Peterson, I absolutley agree. I was just attempting to identifiy another possible resource for a child to go to. I feel it is very important to remember and accept that the child abuser looks no different than anyone else in society. I mean no disrespect to Mr.Vogler nor Ms. Freedman neither of whom, I am personally aquainted with. I found your question and observations interesting as were the other "on topic" comments.
Susan DeYoung
9:39 am on Wednesday, November 2, 2011
It is the close family friends or even family members who statistically tend to be creepers. I find myself holding back from offering assistance, which used to be considered a random act of kindness, because I could be considered a creeper. It is sad that we can't model for our children that is appropriate to help someone in need.